Smell and Sniff 

By Mahadev Desai

It was about 7.00 p.m. on a wintry Saturday night. The phone rang. It was my friend Phil. "Is it OK if I come over and fix your computer?" he asked. "Yes, Phil, that would be fine. Come along". 

He tinkered with the computer for about an hour and finally fixed it. But before leaving, he lighted his cheap fat cigar. It created a fog of smoke in the room; it was a miracle the smoke alarm didn’t go off. My wife had just emerged from the shower wearing a light blue silk sari, ready to go to the cinema to watch the Hindi movie 'Swades'.  "I bet Phil smoked one of his obnoxious Cuban cigars. The house stinks!" she said and instantly went around the house, throwing open the windows one by one. The house which moments ago was warm as a toast turned into an Arctic fridge!

"Why all this fuss. I can’t smell anything." I said in lame defense of Phil. "You can’t smell anything because you have stopped using your long nose like many of your other physical parts. It is rightly said 'If you don’t use it, you lose it.' This morning, I bought a fresh bunch of red roses. Our son Bintu complimented me straightaway, 'Ah, these roses smell nice, mum.' he said. But you! You just stood there without uttering a word. Just now, after the shower, I dabbed a little 'gardenia' perfume, but I don’t think you can smell it. When we were married, you used to compliment me on my ondhwa, samosas and spicy dal saying 'wah, wah, I can smell your dal a mile away. But now, forget it. I think you should go to Dr. Sharma and get your nose checked." I didn’t want to ruin our evening’s trip to the cinema, so I kept quiet.

That night, in my dream, I went to the forest and started rigorous prayers. A Swami appeared before me, and said, “ I am impressed by your prayers and penance. Ask for any boon and I will grant it to you.” “ Swami, can you grant me my lost sense of smell.? “ It shall be granted but do not misuse it. “ He touched my nose with his right thumb and disappeared. 

I walked in the kitchen. "I know you have made bateta vada and brewed Darjeeling tea instead of Vaghbakri as usual." I said. "How did you know? Yes, I did make batetavada and tea, but that was hours ago and I covered the bowl with a cellophane sheet and poured the tea in a teapot!" my wife said, looking surprised. I opened the fridge and picked up the yogurt container and sniffed it with its lid still on. "It is one month past the expiry date. Throw it away," I said. My wife opened the lid and smelt the yogurt. "You are right, Yuck, it smells horrible." I picked up a ripe mango. "This looks luscious and ready to eat (like you) but it has been picked in Mexico, almost six weeks ago and is rotten inside. Trash it." My wife protested. She took a knife and tried to cut slices of the mango, but guess what. It was rotten!

Bintu came running in the kitchen. "Bintu, you’ve been playing soccer but haven’t bathed for 52 hours, right." "Yes, dad, I’m sorry. I felt lazy. I’m going for a shower right away. But how did you know, dad!" "Never mind that. Thank God I’ve not yet smelt your socks and underwear!" My wife was pretty impressed by my newly acquired power of smell but she was scared too. What other secrets would my nose reveal? At night in bed I said, "I can smell you used Peach blossom shower gel, Pantene hair oil and Guerlain’s 'Samsara' brand perfume today?" I hugged her tightly. She was speechless. "Oh, how I love your recharged nose. May I caress and fondle it?" She cooed. "Oh no, I don’t want to lose my smelling power. You may caress and fondle other parts of my body though."

Three days later Kantibhai rang the doorbell. "The neighbors have been talking about your smelling and sniffing prowess. Can you please help me? Your bhabhi (sister-in-law) has gone to Chicago for a week. I want to cook a meal but I can’t identify the spices in the jars as she never puts any labels on them." That’s easy, Kantibhai. Finish your tea first, and we will solve your problem.” Kantibhai gulped the tea and burped. "Kantibhai, I can tell you had egg omelet with chopped onions and green peppers." He seemed amazed! We went to his house. I told him to blindfold me. He tied a thick black napkin around my eyes and put the spice jars, singly, in front of my nose. "Cumin; fenugreek; pepper; garam masala, chai masala", I reeled off the names without a pause. "And now go get the labels and I’ll quickly jot these down and stick them on the jars before you forget and put chai masala in vegetable curry!" And we both laughed.

On the fourth day, a policeman knocked on the door. "Can you help me nab one of the local Councilors suspected of drug pushing? His car is parked outside ‘Dino’s ‘restaurant. He won’t return till about an hour. Can you make a quick search inside his car?" I agreed and he took me to the car and opened the door with his master key. I quickly sniffed around and discovered the stashed drug packets under the back seat. The Police Officer was excited no end. "Good heavens, even our trained dog couldn’t do what you did. Amazing!"

One problem still bugged me. How to make myself irresistible to my wife. Her Gardenia perfume failed to excite me after a while. Maybe Brut aftershave that I used was not appealing to her ! I prayed hard and Swamiji appeared again. I told him my problem. He explained about pheromones to me and ongoing research on the very problem that bugged me. Females are extremely sensitive to the smell of musk and new research shows that underarm sweat acts as an aphrodisiac and sends sub conscious commands to women. I am sure it will be an Indian who will crack the code and find the answer. Haven’t we offered Khajuraho temple and Kamasutra to the world? In the meantime take this sample. It is ‘ Sex-angle’perfume for men, by a Japanese firm Kanebo. Use this sex elixir, which is more potent than any viagra. And he disappeared.

It was a full moon night. In my dream, I saw my wife bathing in a pond in the forest. I applied the perfume liberally and like Tarzan took a mighty swing on a long rope- like branch and jumped in the pond. Next thing…I had hit the floor and fainted. "I wish I can find that bottle of smelly salts. Hey Ram, I don’t want to be nosey but what happened to your nose? It is bruised"” my wife whispered. I felt a tingling sensation on my nose. "What is it that you just rubbed on my nose?" I mumbled. "It is Tiger balm. Can’t you tell?" She said. Yes, I had lost it. And it was time for me to pray again, "Oh, Swamiji, I can’t smell a thing, help!"

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