By Kavita A. Chhibber
“Thappad” is an important film on so many levels. The story, intersecting the lives of four women starts by seemingly revolving around one single slap (delivered in the heat of the moment, by an angry husband who is arguing with one of his bosses at his house party). This leaves his wife Amrita (Taapsee Pannu) the recipient of the violent act, party guests and even their feisty maid, stunned.
But it really opens up a discussion about so much that ails our society. And how it’s time for many men to honor the women in their lives… the way they deserve to be honored. The movie could have been 30 minutes shorter, the background score was annoying, but the message resonated as soundly as the slap on the face of patriarchy.
There is the maid Sunita (a brilliant performance by Geeta Ohlyan), who almost gleefully talks about her husband’s daily abuse and how she manipulates her way around it, with Amrita.
There is the hotshot womens’ lawyer Nethra Jaisingh (Maya Sarao) who fights for her female clients and wins, but remains a trophy wife. She is never allowed to forget how she is who she is because she is the daughter-in-law of a famous lawyer and the wife of a top journalist (Manav Kaul) everytime she wins big.
She has an affair with someone who makes her feel good about herself. A Band-Aid many apply to dysfunctional relationships.
There is the widow Shivani (Dia Mirza) who was married to the perfect gentleman. It is hard to find his replacement, it seems. But she would rather be alone than lonely in a marriage. She is not afraid to enjoy her own company while raising a teenager as a single mother.
This is a powerful lesson to be learnt by many needy, scared and apathetic women I see around me who believe that they need marriage, a man and children to complete them following a stereotype that is ingrained by their mothers and their mothers and more mothers.
It made me miss my Dadi (my paternal grandmother) in that moment with so much love. She actually told my mom in Punjabi, when mom received an avalanche of marriage proposals starting when I was only 14: “Kavita nu governor bana. Kinni layak hai. Shaadiyan tey sab kar lendey ney.” (Let Kavita become the governor of a state. She is so gifted. Anyone can get married). That from a woman who herself was a rebel and wanted to be a priest. I miss both my tough-as-nails grandmothers.
And then there is the main female character Amrita – the perfect wife, and daughter-in-law who is focused on sacrificing her own dreams of being a classical dancer, and happily replacing them with her husband Vikram’s (Pavail Gulati) dreams even if it means totally submerging her own identity.
Until that one slap. That one “Thappad”.
It unmasks so much that is wrong in society through the reactions of many of the characters. And as Amrita says later, it brings crystal clarity to all that she had ignored previously.
The husband Vikram, is more mortified about what people are thinking of him, and he does everything except apologize to his wife to win her back. He genuinely cannot fathom her trauma or desire for a divorce.
Amrita’s mother and mother-in-law, played by brilliant actresses Ratna Pathak Shah and Tanvi Azmi respectively, ask her to grin and bear it. Even her own brother tells her she needs to go back.
Amrita’s lawyer also advises her not to pursue a separation on just one slap, because of the nastiness and humiliation that will ensue in court.
But perhaps the most telling comment comes from the maid who says to her abusive husband that she was just complaining and cursing him unnecessarily after every beating. It seems this happens everywhere. It’s a norm rather than an exception.
Amrita’s father Sachin (the brilliant Kumud Mishra) who has pampered his daughter and loved and respected his wife, refuses to let his son get away with disrespecting his girlfriend. He has his own hard thinking to do when his wife tells him that while he never stopped her from doing anything, he never encouraged her either from pursuing her passion, her dreams of continuing classical singing. She was on her way to being a stellar singer but was married off instead. She followed her mom’s advice of being a good home maker because that was all there was to life in the end, as she was told.
That really was one of the most telling statements. I have seen so many good men love and pamper their wives as long as no one rocks the boat, and as long as they don’t have to step out of their comfort zone to accommodate changes that may occur while their wives continue to pursue their own passion.
I remember a good friend of ours who was as accomplished if not more so than her husband.
But almost every evening, they would come back from work and she would make fresh food, including fresh rotis for her husband.
I happened to be at their home one night and saw that and chewed him out. “She is as tired as you are. Take turns so you appreciate what she does for you.”
It made me reach out and hold my husband Ajit’s hand in gratitude. Because it still seems to be an exception than a norm where husbands like Ajit exist.
All of those who have seen him in action, know how he stands like a rock behind me, ensuring I follow my dreams and my calling, even when it means sacrificing his own rest, his own passions. I often tell him to do workshops with me so we can share how people should treat each other. I want to mention this because it should not be just about male bashing. I have seen plenty of abusive women ill-treating their husbands as well.
I am glad some of the younger generation are walking away from patriarchal rules, and are not like their fathers. But that is only where their mothers (and in many cases fathers) have raised them and their sisters differently.
It was funny and sad at the same time when one of my friends told her then 11 year-old son to pick up his clothes. “Your girl friend or wife will not do that for you.” Pat came the reply, “Then I will get a girl from India, like you Mommy!”
It was my pleasure to see him cooking for his wife, some time back. No girl from India was interested in coming to America! He had to “settle” he said jokingly with one who re-trained him to be a better husband and human being. Kudos to his wife and parents who raised a strong girl. And also to the young man who was willing to change.
A woman should know her self worth because there are times when even parents are helpless. I have seen young couples where the girls need help but won’t get it or walk out because they like bad boys or think things will change. Sometimes they don’t.
While the film ends with Amrita pregnant and divorced, the husband finally realizes his mistake, apologizing and vowing to win her back, the message the film gave out for me was this:
Men – Teach your sons through your own respectful behavior the value of having a selfless wife and mother in your life. Nurture these women by helping them so they can make time to pursue their own dreams. A fulfilled woman is a happy woman. And you will ultimately be the recipient of that joy in the end.
Women – Don’t lose your identity, you are not just meant to be wives and mothers only. Set your own worth, be it as a professional or as a home maker. Teach your sons, remind your bosses, and your husbands to respect you. You are the wind beneath their wings and an equal participant in their success. Remind them to honor that.
Remind them regularly that they thrive because you made it easy for them to. The good ones actually don’t need to be told. The not so good ones need regular reminders. The ones who turn nasty need to be discarded. But that can only happen if you are a strong and financially independent woman.
And remember while everyone has their own perception of right or wrong, and what healthy compromises they need to make to be joyful and in balance. Inside we all know the truth and eventually we deserve what we receive. Choose wisely.