Extraordinary Measures: “Your work must speak louder than your sexuality.”

Kavita Chhibber in conversation with International Emmy-nominated actor Arjun Mathur.

Kavita’s note: The idea and the title “Extraordinary Measures” came when I once said to my husband Ajit: “We are all ordinary people. But we are made extraordinary by that ‘extra’ measure of love by someone else, the courage or bravery we show when all seems dark.” And he said, “Why don’t you feature such people and call the column ‘Extraordinary Measures’?”

I am a firm believer that there are no accidents in life. Six weeks before I met him,  I started getting bombarded, by the same questions from everywhere out of the blue. The opening comment was the same. If it was an Indian, they would ask me: “Have you seen the series ‘Made in Heaven’? Do you know Arjun Mathur? That guy is an extraordinary actor! What do you mean you haven’t seen it? You MUST see it!!!”

Then I would meet non-Indian Indophile friends and the first thing out of their mouth would be – you guessed it – “Have you seen Made in Heaven? You’ve got to see it for Arjun Mathur!”

I would nod my head to get them off my back. I was not into digital media. I liked going to a movie theater and sitting with my popcorn and watching movies with Ajit. So I would pretend to be very interested and would say “Yes, yes I will watch it right away!” And escape.

I agreed last minute to head to Chicago for the prestigious Chicago South Asian Film Festival co-founded by my close friend and woman extraordinaire Ketki Parikh. She tells me, “Oh good, I want you on the panel with Arjun Mathur, Gazal Dhaliwal and Tanuja Chandra!” And so I had to see that series!

I literally binge watched the 9 episodes in 48 hours, in flight, and at the airport lounge in New York while waiting for my connecting flight. I finished two hours before I met Arjun at the Festival’s cocktail hour. The good thing was that I was so stunned by Arjun’s performance that (much to his bemusement and hopefully joy) I rattled off the episodes I loved and the specific scenes that deeply moved me.

In the process of getting to know him beyond “Made in Heaven,” I remembered that this was the same guy whose eyes had haunted me after watching the film “Luck by Chance.” His choice of films was diverse, always full of substance and impact. Arjun was an outsider who never gave up. After 13 arduous years of being told he was not marketable as a hero, I guess Arjun is having the last laugh.

Arjun is instantly and immensely likeable. His honesty, openness and instant trust with which he spoke his truth endeared him to me immediately, as did his courtesy and patience for answering all kinds of questions for two hours over two days.

The conversation encompassed films, life, dreams, mysticism and so much more. It was refreshing to see someone who is not jaded by nepotism, judgment and obstacles. He takes his new found fame in his stride with the same grace with which he has taken many stolen opportunities. Now with the international Emmys around the corner, and Arjun being the only Indian actor to be nominated in the Best Actor category, there are hopefully some stellar opportunities coming his way.

You were honored at the prestigious Chicago south Asian film festival . What did you think of the entire experience?

They were all so amazing and sincere, and I became so fond of the team. Here was this group of people who are not part of the film industry or films, but who are so passionate about presenting great work on their platform. They gave importance to a lot of topics that I had not even heard of. All so important, all had a compelling voice. It was a very well put together festival and it was the first body to recognize me at that level and give me my first ever award. I mean people have been saying what a good actor I am but CSAFF was the first to honor me. I am very grateful and touched by that.

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So here you are – a phenomenon on a digital platform. Everyone across the globe is talking about “Made in Heaven” and only Arjun Mathur. Has it sunk in?

I really cannot fathom this. People talking about me at this level, showing so much appreciation, saying we want only him and being so happy to have me with them. If I start thinking I am so nice, I am so great, I think I will stop being nice or grounded. It is all new to me and I hope I never get complacent about it.

Your dad is a hotelier. You grew up in Delhi. Was there any early inkling that acting was going to be in your future?

Well, I grew up watching Amitabh Bachchan and Anil Kapoor. But I think my personal memories of acting are those times when I was a kid,  my father was working hard and every evening when he would come home, I used to enjoy just dressing up as someone different every day and pretending to be a police officer or Dracula. I was the nautanki in the family, so to speak, and my family had a jolly good time at my expense all those years.

When I was ten years old my family moved to Bombay from Old Delhi and I visited a film set for the first time. I remember it was the sets of the film “Saudagar” and we went to meet Gulshan Grover who was an old friend of my father’s. I think it was at  that moment when I kind of became enamored with the world of films.

Living in Bombay we had more brushes with films and people who worked in them and it became a reality. Oh my God, these people are real. I can also do this. That is when the germ took seed. I did all I could to hone that. I studied at an international school and I took theater studies as a subject. By this time, I was about 13 or 14 and it was pretty clear to me that this is what I am going to do. I quietly trained towards my goal, though at this point I had not told my father. I told him when I was 18.

What was his reaction?

He was much more aware of the struggles that come with it than I was so his reaction was one of caution, but not discouragement. It didn’t take that much for him to see how serious I was and he came forth completely in support.

You are a product of both the Lee Strasburg School and Barry John in India. How was the experience?

There was also a course I did in Bombay at the Kishore Namit Kapoor Acting Institute. This was the first one I did. This was 1998 and “Kaho Na Pyar Hai” had just been released. Hritik Roshan had become an overnight sensation and he was promoting them. So I signed up thinking I am going to Bombay, but I don’t know anyone. What should I do? And thought, okay so I will do the course that Hritik did. Maybe that will help. Nothing like that happened. It was more like, okay give us your money, here is your certificate. And now you are on your own.

But what the course did do for me was that it loosened me up and exposed me to people coming from all kinds of backgrounds, all walks of life, struggling together to fulfil their dreams. That also helped me shed my inhibitions and prepared me to get serious and go to Barry John’s and Lee Strasberg to learn more deeply.

Barry John and Lee Strasberg were not all that different from each other except that they exist in such diverse locations in the world. As a result, each caters to the needs and mediums of that geographical location.

For example, at Barry John we were also trained in street theater which was not something Lee Strasberg was training us in. But by and large, with both being of the theater approach, they were quite similar. They had similar themes that we were exploring, like sense memory, emotional memory, and things like that.

What was your journey like with no relative or parent launching you? You started as an Assistant Director with some big budget films. Your career graph has been with films highlighting social issues when you did get into acting.

When I started, I did not have any connections other than the ones I made when I was assisting in those films. But right from the beginning Zoya Akhtar has been a very important part of my life. She used to guide me and even helped me with little things like which head shot to send.

People used to ask me when I used to be assisting: “What kind of work do you want to do?” I did not have a clear answer and I would respond, “What do you mean? Work is work; an actor is an actor.”

 I had started auditioning and the very first job I got was a short film called “Migration” with Mira Nair opposite Irrfan Khan (It’s a must watch film on AIDS awareness!) Then Farhan Akhtar cast me in his film “Positive” (another stellar film directed by Farhan about relationships shadowed by AIDS). Mira Nair was so kind. She introduced me at the Toronto Film festival as her discovery and it was amazing. People immediately saw me as a young actor who is doing socially responsible work because of these two films. So that tag came to me earlier on.

Then came “Luck by Chance,” Zoya’s maiden directorial venture. I heard you were almost finalized for the lead role that eventually went to Farhan Akhtar. The lead character was such a gray character and so not someone I would like.

When I moved to Bombay, “Dil Chahta Hai” had just been released and within the film circles there were rumors that Farhan Akhtar’s sister was incredibly talented and she had this script that was outstanding.  The film was “Luck by Chance”, which no actor was willing to do because it hit too close to home. It was a film that was in development for a very long time.

At one point, Zoya gave me the script to read for the lead role. When I read the script I said, “Oh my God this is my life, and it would be amazing for me to get a launch in this film.” Eventually that was not what happened. Farhan was cast as the lead and Zoya asked me to play his friend Abhimanyu.

Of course, I was disappointed but Zoya means so much to me and she was asking me. I would have done anything for her. At that time, I was clueless about how one’s career needed to be launched and about repercussions of being typecast.

I didn’t understand these kinds of concepts at that time. So I did “Luck by Chance”. It was a great film with a great script and a well-written part, so I definitely knew I had left an impact.

A lot of people mentioned the character Abhimanyu of “Luck by Chance” to me. Your eyes spoke volumes in two of the most compelling scenes in the film: One where you argue with Farhan and the other where you find out he had become this big star.

Strange you would say that. Javed Sahib (Javed Akhtar) said that to me about that one scene where I lash out at Farhan, telling him he can never be an actor and he walks out of the room. Then the camera pans back to me for barely a few seconds. But Javed Sahib brought my attention back to that scene and said, “In those 3 seconds you did something that was exceptional.”

But I can’t deny the fact that it was post-“Luck By Chance” that my struggle really began because immediately all the roles coming my way were of “best friend” supporting parts in films that were essentially star vehicles. They just wanted to use me as an embellishment.

So I did “My Name is Khan.” I did “My friend Pinto,” but I was not happy with what was happening. This is where I started to understand the system on which Bollywood functions. It is a launching pad for star kids. It does not matter how talented you are. On the contrary, if Bollywood sees someone who is an outsider who is talented, often they will try to suppress that talent by casting  him/her in those supporting parts of “best friend” so that the star kids can continue to do all the best work.

Before that, all I understood was that if I get on the sets with the best directors and the best actors in the business, if people just see me working hard on the sets, one thing will lead to another and I will get my big break. So very naïve of me I must say.

After I did “My Name is Khan” with Karan Johar, I went to meet him and said to him “So please give me some advice. What do you think? Can we do something together?” And he told me flat out (and I really appreciate his honesty): “Look you have everything it takes to be a leading man but the market is such that it will not allow me to make a film with you in the lead.”

The same thing happened to me with another very well-known director where I came very close to being cast in a very big film. By the end of it, in the final meeting he told me the very same thing and took a star.

Then there was another time I when I did a test shot with another actor who was my contemporary, but a star’s close relation. The film was a two hero project and the producer got back to me the next day and said “You know we cannot take you in the film because you were outshining the other guy.” But in the end, you cannot keep blaming the film makers or star kids. It is the entire system that needs change. It took me longer; I did not give up and it has worked out for so many outsiders. There are many insiders who have not made it.

Here I must mention that Karan also said to me that my best bet would be to continue doing what I had been doing and to never drift too far from the person that I inherently am. I think that is something that struck a chord within me and subconsciously that is what I have been doing. Being true to myself.

As an Assistant Director what is it that you learned to do and not to do as an actor?

That is a great question. You know the lives of assistant directors and actors are so different.

As an assistant director, even though it was in the back of my head that I wanted to be an actor, I still focused on doing the best I could. An actor must look his best. An AD’s life is the most thankless one and requires a lot of relentless hard work. You work at odd hours. You cannot watch what you are eating but still those years were like going to college for me. I was working hard and chose to have fun. I was not concerned with the systems of Bollywood, because I had not faced them yet.

I got on the first film, then the next, and the next and that was not a struggle.

I consider myself an efficient actor and that efficiency only comes if you actually have an understanding of things that the production and direction teams are going through. As an actor, it is very helpful, and you will collect a lot of good karma if you do not trouble people and do your job as fast as you can.

I think work ethics-wise I picked up a lot from Aamir Khan. He is someone, who, from the moment he steps on the sets, is the most professional and thoughtful actor I know. He has completely got his head into what he is doing. He  never dilly dallies, causing unnecessary delays. Every suggestion he has ever made is only for the betterment of the project and it is often something the director or DOP and the entire team has missed altogether. So he is really an institution to learn from. I can’t say I learnt acting because of him, but I have picked up a lot of my work ethics from him.

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And there is one actor from whom I learnt not to be a jerk. When we started, he was not a star and then two months into the shooting his first film released and suddenly there was an overnight transformation. From then on, the shooting became harder and harder. The film took 2 years to complete and he left an awfully bad taste in everyone’s mouth. Life has given him his own hard lessons since then. So those years were unbelievably valuable, but the switch was hard to make.

Because suddenly, from taking auditions, I was giving them. Instead of me being the one passing judgment, I was suddenly setting myself up for judgment. That transition was difficult to come to terms with.

Again, as an actor now, I have a very tough time not getting involved with what is happening behind the scenes! I can’t just sit in my trailer and wait for my shot. I need to know what is happening and try to help however I can.

One of the biggest compliments you have received playing Karan, the gay wedding planner in “Made in Heaven” is that you made homosexuality “normal.” But this is not the first time that you, a straight guy, have played a gay man. What was interesting was that your character in each film was not stereotypical. “Migration” was your first film and in it you played Irrfan’s gay lover. It was his character that had the feminine nuances. Again, in Onir’s “I AM“ you were a con artist who seduces men for money. At the time when those films were made Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code had not been struck down.

I think the credit must go to the director. Where Mira (Nair) is concerned you don’t need to question her sensibility, her intention to present their reality and the same for Onir. Being a gay man himself he is of course extremely sensitive to how he presents the gay community and the same for Zoya Akhtar.

I have only chosen to play these characters in the hands of directors where I knew it will not be made a mockery of.

Also, until I did “Made in Heaven” I didn’t even think about the previous roles in terms of their social impact.

The first one was my break and that too, under Mira Nair, and opposite an incredible actor like Irrfan Khan. For a 25-year-old actor who was just stepping into acting, it was like a dream come true.

Irrfan and I didn’t meet a whole lot after the film, but he was my first ever co-star with whom I faced the camera professionally and that was huge. He was truly someone whose career I want to emulate. All the odds were stacked against him – His background, his unconventional looks, and he was an outsider. But he blasted his way through it all on sheer talent, and became a global household name, sought after by the best film makers both in Hollywood and Bollywood, with substantial and rich roles.

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Onir’s “I AM” was bolder and a more substantial role.

Having done it once and knowing the Indian film industry’s tendency to typecast you as soon as possible. I already had my hesitation about playing a gay man again for “I AM.” But in “I AM” there was this intimate scene between two men that I had never done before. I don’t know what it was that attracted me to it. I think it was a barrier in my mind, an inhibition as an actor, and I wanted to break that barrier. I wanted to do that for myself. By the time “I AM” came to me I was at a point where I was facing a lot of  disappointment because I was starting to understand that even though I am a good actor, and people think I am a good actor, leading roles are evading me. And so I decided okay so I have to now find a another way to make people take notice. And since no Aamir Khan or Shahrukh Khan was going to go and kiss a man on screen, let me be the one to do it.

As a straight man, you’ve become a gay icon and have also won the respect of the straight community at large. “Made in Heaven” seems to have made that happen. What did you learn playing Karan’s character?

You know when I played my first gay role, I had nothing on which to base the character within the industry. I remember a Rishi Kapoor film where Anupam Kher had played a man called Pinku but other than that, there was nothing then for me to reference it on.

While doing “Made in Heaven,” it became even more clear to me that gay lives are far more like straight lives. Whether we are gay or straight we deal with the same issues – we get affected by our families, we have broken relationships that shut us off from love. Gay people have indulged in things they have to hide from law and society but so have straight people. So, if anything, “Made in Heaven” normalized things even more for me as it has for others.

There is a story that I share a lot and it is an example of hundreds of posts and emails that followed when “Made in Heaven” came out.

It was an email from a 35-year-old lady who said to me, “I am a mother of 2 young sons. Homosexuals and homosexuality used to creep me out. I never understood them or maybe I never tried to or bothered to. But after watching ‘Made in heaven,’ it has upturned my world view so much that if one or both of my sons tell me they are gay, I will love them and support them even more than if they were straight.” So for me, a change like that, even in one mindset, means everything. We have a lot of people within the film industry who are gay, but I can’t say honestly if things are changing within the industry. I hope they are. We can all do things professionally and personally to keep contributing towards a positive change.

Yes, their lives are still not the same as that of others. There is this scene where there is a confrontation with the family and your mother having fed you lies. You see your father standing up for you and the emotions of shock and joy at being supported. We witness your angst at a mother who had conned you, and the realization that you could have lived your life with honesty so much sooner had you not been caught in that maze. It was heartbreakingly brilliant!

Thank you for noticing that! When I read the script, I knew that would be the scene that will stand out in the entire series. When we  went to shoot it . there were two DOPs (Directors of Photography). One was a close friend of mine who also shot “Gully Boy,” Jay Oza, and another DOP. And we shot the master. I had to do it from the beginning to the end and then the people called cut. It was only when I looked up that I saw that both the DOPs were crying. Jay was going through some issues with his own dad and he told me he could not operate the camera because the tears blurred his eyes. He couldn’t lock or freeze the frame either. After that scene he went outside and called his dad, and they had a very emotional moment because of what I had just done. I know what you are saying, because that day was incredibly special for me. Thank you for saying that!

The intimate scenes were very intimate. I read somewhere you were extremely nervous.

Having done it before I knew what I was saying yes to. So you have already put aside a lot of the inhibitions and nervousness when you have decided to take on the part. But having said that, when it comes to the day of the shooting, there is nervousness. But that nervousness is there even if you have to kiss a girl and strangely it is there because everything is so mechanical, and we have to get it in the can. It is always awkward but then it all finally comes down to your comfort level with your director and your costars and how far a distance you are ready to go. Also, your costar is nervous too. Most of the people my intimate scenes were with were also straight men. As long as you get along with the actors and you know you are both nervous together and take comfort in each other’s discomfort, it works out okay.

There has always been this talk about why don’t gay actors play themselves? It takes a straight man like Sonu Nigam to go bat for the transgenders for example. And another straight man like Arjun Mathur to do gay roles, but a lot of men in the industry who are gay, and bisexual don’t come out and say “Hey this is who I am.” And then on the other hand we complain, “Why don’t film makers let gay people play themselves on screen”?

I do not think it can be blamed on the film makers why they aren’t casting gay actors as themselves. Film makers are looking for the best actors to play a specific part and if it happens to be a gay actor, I am sure most of our film makers will have no problem with it. But the point is where are the gay actors and why haven’t they come out? Are they comfortable with their sexuality for someone else to give them the opportunities that they want?

Because at the end of it, your work must be louder than your sexuality. So much so that people say, “I want THAT guy and I don’t care if he is gay or straight.” And it applies to everything. I was in a meeting and  we were talking about a film where the protagonist is a Muslim. And the guy was trying to explain to the producers who said well we need a Muslim actor, that “No, actually you can also take a Hindu Indian actor to play a Pakistani Muslim.” Because Indians and Pakistanis look alike with similar sensibilities and are completely interchangeable.

We have had the three Khans playing Hindu characters for decades. Who has ever complained about that? So it really comes down to “Are you comfortable and confident in your own skin?”

One of your films that I liked very much was “Barah Aana.” You got to work with two stellar actors – Naseeruddin Shah and Vijay Raaz – and held your own. What are the memories from that film?

It was the second film I signed up and at the end of the film Naseer and I became quite fond of each other. It also made me realize that I was in the right lane, and that this was really my space. Over time I started going to see Naseer’s plays and then one day I got a message from him: “Mathur, would you like to do a play with me?” I had not done theater for 15 years. It was just so amazing for him to reach out to me himself and I jumped at it.

I spent the next 2-3 months rehearsing and it truly was a one on one Master class with the Master himself. Every day in the evening we would be at his house having rehearsals – conversations about acting and so much more.

But somewhere during the rehearsals I got the first call for “Made in Heaven.” I kept Naseer abreast of what was happening and continued the play rehearsals, until finally I was cast as Karan.

It was heart breaking for me, leaving him in the lurch like that after three months of rehearsals and missing out on this incredible opportunity to be onstage with this man.

But Naseer was so amazing about it. Like a father would, he gave me his blessings and said, “You go, and do ‘Made in Heaven’ and do it well.” And I really went into “Made in Heaven” with months of training with this man. I credit Naseer a lot for my performance in the series.

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Do you think children of stars who are writing and directing films/series have a different sensibility?

I think, on the contrary, the children of people who have already been in the film industry in previous generations have a very astute understanding of the market. Even if they do try to do something different from what their parents may have done, I still think what stays with them a lot is that they can’t veer too far from the commercial formula. Because at the end of the day, it is still a business, even a family business.

The only exception in my eyes is Zoya Akhtar who I believe is apart from this sensibility. I don’t think these rules apply for her. For someone from a  very prominent Bollywood family she is so real and grounded and completely in touch with reality. I feel very lucky that she keeps me in mind whenever the opportunity presents itself. And to have a director like her put her faith in you more than once is a very big deal for me.

After “Luck By Chance” was released and got all the praise, we were at a party one day and Zoya for some reason said to me, “I owe you.” I said, “Why do you say you owe me? You don’t owe me anything.” But she gave me “Made in Heaven.”

I believe she said she always had you in mind for that role.

It was interesting we were doing these promotional rounds and in one of them, a journalist asked Zoya about the casting and said, “Why Arjun?” And Zoya had such an interesting answer even though she thought she had offended me, but she hadn’t at all. In the middle of the answer she had to look at me and apologize in advance about what she was going to say. “I needed somebody who is a little broken,” and she looked at me and said “Sorry,” but I thought it was the most beautiful thing to have said.

Zoya knows how to pick the right people because she sees that one thing people are judging or hiding from the world, which others may miss. She is very intuitive that way. She also knows what is going on globally and stays at the top of it all. I don’t have any doubt that she is going to be that director who is going to put us on the global map in a big way. Zoya is definitely going to have a big hand in it. I really believe if this world was run by women, the world would be a much better place today. We refer to Earth as Mother Earth and maternal energy itself is very nurturing – more empathizing, more loving and more understanding. The male energy is more aggressive, powerful, and dominating. The first thing that I noticed about “Made in Heaven,” was not just the strong women characters but it was looking at things from a female perspective. It was taking issues of patriarchy and trying to break through that wall.

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How much of a director’s actor are you and what sensibilities do you bring into your work having been an assistant director?

I am very much a director’s actor. I really to like to feel safe and secure and trust my director completely. Sometimes the trust is well placed and sometimes it is misplaced. But it ultimately boils down to how the director is seeing something and if the vision is connecting with me. I will do my best to do what they want, even of there is a conflict with what I may have conceptualized the character to be. Sometimes of course if something is not working out then I will give my point of view and request changes. And it is not because of ego or because you want to be showcased a certain way. It must always be with the intent of what is best for the film and connecting with the audience. So I am a director’s actor unless otherwise required.

Like “The Accidental Prime Minister” (laughter) where you played Rahul Gandhi!

I am going to be totally honest here. I am not proud of doing that film. If anything, it has been a big lesson for me because until this particular film there is not one film in my filmography which I have regretted doing. I had just finished shooting “Made in Heaven” and was free at that time. Hansal Mehta, whose work I do respect a lot, met me. He was the creative producer of the film and he explained it as a political thriller and I was excited. But very early into the process I realized that it was a propaganda film. There was little attention given to the characterization and I was conflicted. Do I just do this as an actor, or should I walk away?

I said no to the project, but they kept coming back with more and more money. I frankly did it because it paid very well. That money would tide me over until “Made in Heaven” was released because I had not accepted anything after that. The shooting process was not a pleasure. At my end I did all the research I could, but I don’t think even that was needed from me. I had to go by the script and what the director wanted it to be.

It was only 8 days of shooting and thankfully I had a “Special Appearance” credit written into my contract.

I was just in and out and I ducked the promotion. The intention was to project Rahul Gandhi to be dumb as hell. He really is not and I do connect with some of what he is saying. But maybe it is either distorted or comes out as something other than what he is trying to convey. Or it gets politicized as soon as he says something.

So how does it feel now that you are the one finally calling the shots?

I don’t think actors ever call the shots as such. I have been through so much struggle, insecurity, envy. I think that insecurity remains the same. It continues to grow inside. I still have insecurities. I am still having rejections and still facing disappointments that actually are a little bigger on the scale. Today even A-list actors are losing out films they really want to do to other A-list actors. Having said that, I still want to only do good films, to do work that connects with people, that reaches a global audience. It’s not like I have any dreams to be a superstar. Its great if it happens, but my focus is to do good work.

Recently there has been a lot of talk around mental illnesses and depression struggling actors face. There have been many suicides. How have you kept your sanity? What advice would you give youngsters?

For me there were so many disappointments, rejections and so many people saying “Oh you won’t get anywhere.” So make that your fuel, and say “Oh you don’t think I can make it? I’ll show you!”

I cannot deny that emotional support is required. It is not an easy life. You are setting yourself up every day for rejection, for a judgment on you, your persona, your character. So family support and surrounding yourself with well wishers is very important.

Please also think of those who love you. We tend to look at life in a very insular way. But your dreams are not yours alone. My whole family has seen this dream with me, and for me and not just my family, but even people who have believed in my work from the very beginning. Today when they see “Made in Heaven” and everything it is bringing me, I can feel the happiness when they say to me “Finally! You have done it!”

So never forget there are people out there who love you, support you unconditionally irrespective of how successful you are.

I think what keeps me going are thoughts of my mother. I lost my mother in an accident when I was 13. My mother was a very strong woman, full of life and energy. So many years later she remains unforgettable for those who knew her. She is still remembered as the person who entered a space and had such magnetism about her that everyone fell in love with her. Everyone wanted to be her friend. She cracked the most risqué jokes, laughed the loudest and was the least inhibited. I am not like her. I am rather shy and reserved, so I think losing her has made me think of her even more.

What would she want? What would make her happy and how can I make her proud? I feel her around me all the time. So I would say to people who struggle: Remember, that in the end, life is an all-encompassing experience and we are trying to portray only a fraction of it through the work we do. There has to be more to life than just that.